Saturday, September 30, 2006

Happy Birthday, Mate

This is Mate. I'd like to tell you all that he's not as good looking in real life just to scare off all the sweet young things I fear will besiege him, but I can't--he's just this cute.

It's our birthday--mine is today (and to that end, Bryar will be blogging for me tomorrow--she's written a very funny play about Sleeping Beauty--you'll laugh, I promise!) and Mate's is tomorrow. We are thirty-nine.

Twenty years ago, I was actively flirting with three guys--two of them born on Sept. 30, and one of them born on Oct. 1st. The other two didn't pan out, and the one on Oct. 1st had a terrible crush on another girl--I stalked I mean talked him out of that nonsense--Mate was it. I don't much like shopping around, and here I'd found a perfectly good Mate and I refused to let him off the hook--and all in all, he's worked out better than my best dreams.

He doesn't give me shit about my weight--although he does encourage me to eat healthy. He lets me buy yarn, as long as there is money in the bank. He plays with our children--in fact, the goofy goombah seems to think they're almost as interesting as I do--how can you beat that. He gives me super fancy toys, like my i-pod, that I think I don't need and then discover that I can't live without. Of course, he doesn't fall into that category--I'm pretty sure that the sun and moon would wither in my sky and blow away should there come a day when Mate is not by my side. (Of course, if I ever catch him with a sweet young thing, I'll be responsible for his departure. He knows this--we've been very clear on this matter.)

So, all this crunchy, chewy, sweet and meaty goodness in one tried and true Mate--and what did I get him for his birthday?

Not a blessed thing. He didn't want anything. Well, he did want something--a World of Warcraft addition, but they don't have it out yet, so we decided to wait. I figured I'd give him a card, letting him know he could have the toy of his choice, without guilt or looking back, when it became available, but I feel empty inside. I want something wonderful to give to my Mate--he's my one and only Mate, my stars and moon...shouldn't Mate have the best birthday wishes available on planet Earth?

Absolutely--so, unless I can sneak out tomorrow and have the perfect brainflash for the perfect gift for my perfect Mate, all I have to offer him is wishes. So here are my best wishes for Mate:

I wish a huge-ass plasma television bigger than our living room wall, and a house to put it in.

I wish him a skinnier wife. (Of course, this birthday wish would serve us both well.)

I wish him children who have inherited his housecleaning gene.

I wish him children who have passed my slobosaurus gene right up.

I wish him a next life with a supermodel who adores cleaning house wearing a French-maid's outfit and a smile.

I wish him me, in my next life, inside that supermodel.

I wish him a Mustang, hot and red, with a V-8 and a 389 engine and all the trimmings.

I wish to be next to him, skinny and with my hair blowing back, as he drives it.

I wish him enough magic powers to restore our bathroom to usability without too much work--Mate works too hard already.

I wish him cats that never crap on the floor, dogs that don't go through the trash, and weenie pigs that don't cost a hundred dollars.

And when some big publishing company buys my books and I turn into a corporation, I wish him a happy job as my houseboy...with all the 'duties' that implies.

But most of all (since it's my birthday too, and many of these wishes have aimed a mild benefit in my direction) I wish that he never in his life hears the following words from any of our adored children:

* Can the baby and I come and stay while Zaphod tours with the band?
* But a GED is almost as good as a diploma.
* But you know marijuana SHOULD be legal.
* Am I supposed to know who the father is?
* I know my old room's been converted--that's okay, we can sleep under the sewing machine.
* You didn't like that car anyway.
* Hey--we got the pets, the pictures and the laptops out.
* It's not my fault cops don't know how to drive!
* But my teacher is HOT!
* But college grading systems are really just prejudiced relics of a corrupt educational institution anyway.
* I'll pay back that bail money, I promise!

Seriously--Happy Birthday, Mate. I wish I knew what to get you--you've given me the best life I could have dreamed of, if I'd been smart enough to have that kind of dream.


Starfish said...

HAPPY BIRTHDAY to you BOTH! Very funny post. We have alot in common, the least of which is being a sucker for a cute smile wrapped inside a goatee (what is it about that). I hope you both realize all your dreams or as close as you can get anyway. I'm with ya on the supermodel thing.

Roxie said...

One of the best gifts a woman can give her husband is a wife who ADORES him. And you seem to do that on a daily basis. No wonder he's smiling!

(I'm with you on the frustration of not being able to present some tangible token of affection on that special day, though. How about a nicely wrapped bag of Hershey's Kissables with a promise to echange real kisses for chocolate as he desires?)

Lady in Red said...

Happy birthday to you both! I hope you each had a wonderful day.

Tam Tam said...

Happy birthday!!! I actually did get you something out of a fundraising book... It was meant for the next holiday... So I will wait till x-mas, and hit two birds with one stone.

Bells said...

so much gushy love. I'm in awe. He does sound perfect.

And I never thought an ipod would change my life either. he likes to remind me sometimes that his geekiness does have benefits. I don't always see it. Then I plug in the ipod and I remember...