Saturday, September 30, 2006
Happy Birthday, Mate
This is Mate. I'd like to tell you all that he's not as good looking in real life just to scare off all the sweet young things I fear will besiege him, but I can't--he's just this cute.
It's our birthday--mine is today (and to that end, Bryar will be blogging for me tomorrow--she's written a very funny play about Sleeping Beauty--you'll laugh, I promise!) and Mate's is tomorrow. We are thirty-nine.
Twenty years ago, I was actively flirting with three guys--two of them born on Sept. 30, and one of them born on Oct. 1st. The other two didn't pan out, and the one on Oct. 1st had a terrible crush on another girl--I stalked I mean talked him out of that nonsense--Mate was it. I don't much like shopping around, and here I'd found a perfectly good Mate and I refused to let him off the hook--and all in all, he's worked out better than my best dreams.
He doesn't give me shit about my weight--although he does encourage me to eat healthy. He lets me buy yarn, as long as there is money in the bank. He plays with our children--in fact, the goofy goombah seems to think they're almost as interesting as I do--how can you beat that. He gives me super fancy toys, like my i-pod, that I think I don't need and then discover that I can't live without. Of course, he doesn't fall into that category--I'm pretty sure that the sun and moon would wither in my sky and blow away should there come a day when Mate is not by my side. (Of course, if I ever catch him with a sweet young thing, I'll be responsible for his departure. He knows this--we've been very clear on this matter.)
So, all this crunchy, chewy, sweet and meaty goodness in one tried and true Mate--and what did I get him for his birthday?
Not a blessed thing. He didn't want anything. Well, he did want something--a World of Warcraft addition, but they don't have it out yet, so we decided to wait. I figured I'd give him a card, letting him know he could have the toy of his choice, without guilt or looking back, when it became available, but I feel empty inside. I want something wonderful to give to my Mate--he's my one and only Mate, my stars and moon...shouldn't Mate have the best birthday wishes available on planet Earth?
Absolutely--so, unless I can sneak out tomorrow and have the perfect brainflash for the perfect gift for my perfect Mate, all I have to offer him is wishes. So here are my best wishes for Mate:
I wish a huge-ass plasma television bigger than our living room wall, and a house to put it in.
I wish him a skinnier wife. (Of course, this birthday wish would serve us both well.)
I wish him children who have inherited his housecleaning gene.
I wish him children who have passed my slobosaurus gene right up.
I wish him a next life with a supermodel who adores cleaning house wearing a French-maid's outfit and a smile.
I wish him me, in my next life, inside that supermodel.
I wish him a Mustang, hot and red, with a V-8 and a 389 engine and all the trimmings.
I wish to be next to him, skinny and with my hair blowing back, as he drives it.
I wish him enough magic powers to restore our bathroom to usability without too much work--Mate works too hard already.
I wish him cats that never crap on the floor, dogs that don't go through the trash, and weenie pigs that don't cost a hundred dollars.
And when some big publishing company buys my books and I turn into a corporation, I wish him a happy job as my houseboy...with all the 'duties' that implies.
But most of all (since it's my birthday too, and many of these wishes have aimed a mild benefit in my direction) I wish that he never in his life hears the following words from any of our adored children:
* Can the baby and I come and stay while Zaphod tours with the band?
* But a GED is almost as good as a diploma.
* But you know marijuana SHOULD be legal.
* Am I supposed to know who the father is?
* I know my old room's been converted--that's okay, we can sleep under the sewing machine.
* You didn't like that car anyway.
* Hey--we got the pets, the pictures and the laptops out.
* It's not my fault cops don't know how to drive!
* But my teacher is HOT!
* But college grading systems are really just prejudiced relics of a corrupt educational institution anyway.
* I'll pay back that bail money, I promise!
Seriously--Happy Birthday, Mate. I wish I knew what to get you--you've given me the best life I could have dreamed of, if I'd been smart enough to have that kind of dream.