Monday, September 11, 2006

All Bow to the Baby-god...

Okay... the weasels are still winning, and this year, of all things, the AP weasels hate my guts...I'm not used to having my guts hated...it's excessively discombobulating, but, I swear, if the 1/4 of the class that wouldn't shut up actually DID shut up and listen, I know I'd grown on them. Oh well, I got a TA today (after 3 weeks of begging for one over e-mail...) so there's a score for our side... later I will discuss the difference between a 'right answer' and a 'wrong answer' and a 'strong argument' versus a 'weak argument' (I'm a right and wrong kind of person, last years honors teacher was a 'strength of argument' person--it's kind of at the root of the incipient hatred being nursed in the bosoms of the chronically loquacious in my 6th period) but today, I'd like to focus on the most important thing in all worlds, right, wrong, free, opressed, one moon, three moons and twelve.

Yes, people, you guessed right--today I'd like to give the ALL HAIL to our resident deity--the baby-god.

In order to honor her royal cuteness, I'd like to spend a couple of minutes trying to get inside the head of our local baby-god...that way, when fellow worshippers get their time up at bat, they understand their humble place in the world. Are we ready? Let's intuit, shall we?

I'm awake and I'm smiling...why is no one smiling back at me? Anyone? Anyone? By boob, bath and the holy poop, you people KNOW that when I'm smiling at you it is your job to smile back. Let me remind you of your place in the world. (fuss, whimper, grizzle, guilt) Ah, yes, smiles. I'm so pleased. Smiles, smiles, smiles ENOUGH! Now feed me. NOW woman, did I mention your JOB is at stake? I haven't seen your lunch bar in at least fifteen minutes...now! now! now!now!now!now!now!n...mn.m.mmmmmmmm...mmmmmmmmm.....mmmmmmm. Very good. And now I shall fart. Aaaaaaaaahhhhhhhh....excellent. They're laughing, and now I have new raiment--all is well; I am a good baby-god. Ooohhh..look, a thumb! Now honor me, for I have found the sacred thumb. Mmmmnnnnn....tasty thumb...also tasty fingers, tasty fist, tasty arm (look, arm hickies!) but that thumb...truly divine. Is everybody watching me chew on my thumb? WHY AREN'T YOU WATCHING ME CHEW ON MY THUMB!!! It's hard to find good supplicant these days...and now I shall chew on toys. These are fun...crinkly, brightly colored...I don't care if you were reading that--give it back! GIVE IT BACK I SAY OR I SHALL UNLEASH MY WRATH ON...oh, look, a rattle... what was I saying again? Ooooohhhh...I love these things...look...shake shake shake...shake shake shake...shake your booger thing...shake that booger thing... shake that booger thing...what is this? Hair. Ahh...I pull the hair, and the supplicant dances. What an amazing discovery...DANCE for me, DANCE for me! Whheeeeeehoooooo...who's your mama...wait...wait...woman, where is that boob!!! Now! I said NOOOOWWWWW...MMM.MMMmmmm...mmmm..mmmmmm...mmmmmm...what do you mean nap? Deities don't take naps. I SAID DEITIES DON'T TAKE...mmm...is that my thumb? Have I mentioned that it is tasty? Tasty thumb...Tast---eeee thuuuuuuuu---mmmmmbmmmbmmmmmmbmmmmmm.....zzzzzzzzzzz

Wow...I'd sleep a lot too, if I had that kind of a day.

4 comments:

Roxie said...

Gawd I have missed your writing. It sucks being out of computer range for days on end!

When I was in school, I noticed that my fellow weasles were as fickle about the teachers they loved as they were about the fashions that were too cool or just nasty. It has nothing to do with your worth as a teacher. It's just the fashion this year, and only the truely brave will buck the cool kids. May you have many truely brave kids. And don't piss on the nasty weasles. Let their karma get them. Karma builds interest, just like savings bonds. When they're rude to you, thtey are storing up piles of humiliation and injustice for themselves. This thought always comforts me. I don't wish it on them, but I know that what goes around comes around and I don't have to push it.

Blessings on you, dear heart! May you meet joy on a daily basis!

Starfish said...

Hilarious! Thanks for the insight!

crazy.knitting.lady said...

Hi there! I wanted to say hi and say thanks for your lovely comment about Ivy :) I hope she knits up well for others as she has for me!

Catie said...

it sounds like a tough day for the baby-god...