Friday, September 01, 2006

The brain-chemical buzz of sleep deprivation

Okay...I'm tired. I'm more than tired, I'm EXHAUSTED. Could it be because we're two weeks into school? Maybe. Could it be because my husband left me alone to tend the kids for three nights running while he went off and lost 15 lbs. (because it only takes a man three softball games to do that, while it takes women three years of therapy, special food, and a giant lock on the refrigerator to have the same effect). Might be that. Could it be because the cave troll woke up several times last night until he finally had the poopzilla that took over Citrus Heights and was done with it and fell asleep? There's a good reason right there. Could it be because I've finished (sort of--kind of--2 months of editing at the very least w/some proofreading and some begging some friends w/a case of beer and a free ticket to our dvd library to read the 730 pg. manuscript and proofread & critique kind of) BOUND? That could be a big reason--I mean, I WAS dreaming the end of the story, and back looping it in my brain even as I dreamt it so that the last 15 pages played back and forth on Tuesday and then the last 10 on Wednesday until I had to finally FINISH THE DAMN MANUSCRIPT in order to just stop my characters from having the same conversation in my head until it was molecule perfect.

Yeah--it could be all of those things, but, added to the fact that The Fifth Element was at our local movie theatre for a 10 pm showing, I think it's safe to say I'm stoned off of lack of sleep. I'm incoherent with lack of sleep. I'm nusty cukoo with sleep deprivation, and still, I'm haunted by the following things:

A. I sent out an agent packet two months ago and the frickin' packet hasn't returned--I don't mind that they don't want to rep my books, but, gees, people, have pity on the little guy and give us back our 50 printed pages of crap because we're frickin broke paying for school supplies and need a bleepin' break here!

B. I'm posting from school and I can't show you my little knitted sock--the second one is in progress. They are yakably cute--and since Bound is in the tinkering stage now, I can spend some time knitting more of them and hats to match--this is important, since I am now surrounded by mommies and it's my pledge to make as many of the teaching mommies I know either sockies and hats (which was the consensus among three of the four mommies polled) or blankets (of which I've made over fifty for school employees and students alone). It's a good and honorable, if a wierd calling, but I'm pretty committed to it. You get no breaks in this profession as a mommy--none. They can't lessen your workload. Your maternity leave is fraught with guilt for abandoning your students. Your return is just as fraught with guilt for leaving your babies because you know what happens to children who don't get enough attention in their childhood--you see it firsthand every day. We don't do this job for enough money to make us feel like 'I'm doing it for my family, man!' and the toll it takes on us is, often, agonizing. I want the other teacher mommies to know that they are not alone.

C. My 2nd book lost it's standing-- this means no one's bought it in a week, and I'm depressed because, hey, I just finished the 3rd book, and it would be swell if someone, like, read it...

D. How am I going to face my parents after they read the (ahem) climactic sex scene in BOUND. It sort of makes the others pale in comparison, but it's the, uhm, most crowded? scene in the series, and, (my watermark for writing these scenes) it's ABSOLUTELY CRUCIAL TO PLOT DEVELOPMENT AND CHARACTER. If it wasn't for this element, I'd cut it in a heartbeat.

E. It's a staff development day, and the only thing I'm developing at this moment is my unadulterated contempt for the standardized test processes in California schools. If I go get lunch now, I can come back, correct some papers, and pick up the babies and then my daughter. I'll get my daughter early (without the 1 hour wait she usually has) and WE CAN GO TO BABETTA'S my lys!)--it could, very well, be our last trip for a couple of months and we have to make it count!!!

Yeah-- E's a deal breaker...I'm off for food, back to palliate my fractured professional conscience and then it's out to get me some yarn...


Roxie said...

Blessings on you and wishes for sleep that knits up the raveled sleeve of care. May CT sleep through the night with no more visits from poopzilla. May the dreams abate. And may I remember to get off my lazy butt and oredrer you r books so you can get back onto Amazon's list. Hooray that you have BEEN on it! Good for you!

Isn't it glorious to have the damn book FINISHED? Of course, the OC inside immediately starts re-writing it, or plotting the next one. But you can attend to that more as hobby than as desperate NEED for a brief while.

Joy to your Saturday!

Lore said...

Staff development days suck ass. I want you to know that even though I made a gigantic asshat out of myself by having a tantrum in front of the entire staff, I greatly appreciated your staying with me and letting me vent. Also, the blankets and socks and hats and countless of other ingenious things you knit mean more to me and the others who receive them than I think you can know. It isn't that you give us something for our children, but that you take time from your own to make them for ours and manage to do so beautifully amid all the chaos that reigns in a mommy's life. You are awesome and I can't wait to see the new book. 730 pages? Holy cripes woman! And whose ass must I kick to get your Amazon standing back? I'll do it. You KNOW I'm in the mood for it!