So we spent our rockin' New Year's eve watching old episodes of Top Chef. Have you seen this program? It features these people who have this really clear, spiffy vision of themselves at the top of their fantasy job--sort of like my vision of myself getting interviewed on Oprah after being put on her book club list when I'm done winning the Hugo and the Nebula awards, right? And then they're given these absurd challenges--like cooking this butt-ugly monk fish for 10 year olds. (I love the group that made it into corn-dogs and called it 'monkey-dogs'.) Anyway, as I was hacking away at the Glitterspun shawl (on the wrong sized needles--did I mention that? I don't care. I'm finishing it, stretching it to within an inch of its life and getting it done. My friend weighs like, 115 lbs anyway--the difference between a whoopty 15 and a whoopty 11 for her is like the difference between putting me in a 3x and a 4 x, really. It'll fit...but back to watching the show...) So we're watching the clock tick to this show--and I really hate cooking, and I especially hate reality programming, but for some reason I'm just eating this crap up with a gravy ladle--when I started fantasizing a show called 'Top Sheep', where these knitters who are all under the delusion that they're Nancy Bush and Pam Allen or Anne Budd (You know, like me when I'm not working with Lion Brand--everybody laugh because that's a big frickin' joke!) getting presented with these really perverse yarn challenges:
"And today's quick-knitter challenge--You are all invited today to make a baby garment--out of super-chunky acryllic yarn using only garter stitch!"
(Willa Woolford)--Oh, this is a joke--this is not what I signed on for! I have to work with acryllic--I am so far above acryllic--it's like asking Picasso to work with super-sized crayon. And super-chunky in garter stitch? Where's the subtlety, where's the grace in this project...I just don't get it!
(Katie Acryllic) --Now this is a challenge that I can get into--no frills, just solid knitting with good assembly components--I'm thinking the Caron super-brights with big fluffy pom-poms--it will be darling, and I can really show the judges my versatility.
(Al Paca)--I'm just so mad I could spit.
(Christine Cable)--Now see, what I'm going to do is formulate a brand new, garter stitch cable and that way I can educate the children on the finesse that's required in their dressing. Just because they're pre-verbal doesn't mean they don't have taste.
(Intarsia Strand)--There are no rules about colorwork, so I'm thinking 62 shades of red-heart in garter, put together to show a scene from Calvin and Hobbes. Of course I can accomplish that in three days--it's only 24 inches around.
And so on... (I think I'll riff on this next blog too, btw--if anyone has some absurd yarn challenges for my characters, let'em rip!)
But for now, Roxie listed ways she was going to make it a spankin' new year--here are my resolutions, for your consideration. Hopefully I'll still be blogging and you can all give me a ration of yarn ends for this over-optimism next year.
* I'm going to start logging my points again for weight watchers--the kids want to go to Disneyland, and right now I'll be a big, fat drag, not to mention having a hard time fitting on the rides.
* I'm going to use stash before I buy stash. (Hey, you, in the back--I saw that. Save laughing at me until you're alone with your own stash, thanks much!)
* I'm going to finish BITTERMOON. (I'm always afraid I won't finish my books. It's hard because they're burning a path out of my heart every minute I'm not working on them.)
* I'm going to continue looking for an agent/publisher.
* I'm going to love my 5th period even if they shoot me with the guns they apparently all have in their possession. It will be very Green-like of me--hopefully I've got a little of him somewhere. (If I was Cory, I could have a lot of him somewhere very special, but that's a really inappropriate seque. I'm done.)
* I'm going to make my face relax when I'm sitting down with the Cave Troll and the Adorable Infant. They are this small and this cute for such a damnably short time.
* I'm going to take the time to understand my older son. We're going through a rough patch--it's hard to teach him his social skills without feeling critical all the time.
* I'm going to continue to make my older daughter know she's special.
* I'm definitely going to come up with a b-day present for Mate.
* I'm going to spend a little less time blogging (3 day a week max) because, although I love you all, I know the perils of over-extension.
*I'm never going to not have a working sock again. I can't sit at a stoplight without fidgeting now when I don't have my socks.
* I'm going to remember how to be a fat labrador instead of a keyed up anorexic poodle on amphetamines. The lab is happier dog.
* I'm going to shut up now because the Glitterspun is calling my name!
Don't forget your absurd yarn challenges, folks...I'm thinking I could have fun with this!
Happy New Year