(Susie Sockyarn, Voice Over) You may remember last week's challenge, that contestants knit a size XXL sweater using al-paca/mohair laceweight yarn. Let us join our contestants at the judges table, with our resident judge, Gauge Precision
(Gauge) What's the matter, Organa--I thought you would have been pleased to have some natural fiber.
(Organa, looking as though she tasted something sour) Gauge, what exactly is the mo that they get the hair from. I know what the Al Paca is, but what is that sticky mo animal--I don't understand...how can a natural fiber stick like acryllic?
(Gauge, kindly) Nevertheless, Organa, you're going to have to complete a project, because right now your hope chest has nothing but TOADS. Now Christine, you knew this was a speed challenge, what seems to have happened here?
(Christine Cable, obviously distraught) It was just all...plain...an stockinette...and...no texture. No texture at all. What's the harm of a little cable, I thought, just a couple of them...six or seven...but the gauge...so tiny...soooooooooooooooooo tiiiinnnyyyyy.... (Christine collapses, moaning,over a 6" by 3' scrap of intricately worked fabric.)
(Willa Woolford, trying to revive Christine) We've had a gauge accident! Knitter down! I repeat--knitter down!!!!!!
(Gauge, moving on professionally to Al Paca who is visibly upset about something) Al, this fiber was supposed to be your strength--what happened?
(Al, fuming over a completed sweater that has obviously been pulled out of shape and stretched beyond blocking) It's not my fault, Gauge--it's all the fault of that...that...dead dinosaur's doxy! That mohair more-ho! (He shudders.) Gauge, you don't even want to know what that synthetic slyvered slut was doing to my (sniff) beautiful al-paca. (Flash to Katie Acryllic, rolling around on Al's finished product on the blocking table, certain parts of her anatomy blurred out or covered with a very handsome tawny lace-weight fabric.)
(Gauge, looking at Katie with a question in his eyes.) Ms. Acryllic?
(Katie Acryllic, her usual perky ponytail in sensual disarray.) I'm sorry, Mr. Precision (she says throatily), and Al, I'm so, so sorry--I just...I've never held real yarn before. I was unaware of the power of natural fibers...and the mohair component... (she writhes sensuously...) it's sticky...like acryllic...but the fiber length...grrrrrrr.....
(Gauge Precision blushes and pulls at his collar.) Well, maybe Mr. Paca should have protected his knitting a little more, (she rubs his leg) vigorously, but can you show me your conpleted project?
(Katie smiles and strips off her outer sweatshirt, flaunting her perky, 22 year old cleavage in a camisole, then pulls on a gigantic oversized sweater done with lace weight al-paca on whoopty 12 needles) I like an oversized gauge. (She purrs.) How oversized are you, Gauge?
(Organa Cotton, primly) If that was the craft we were going to study, children, we would be on the Discovery Channel, and not USA.
(Intarsia Strand, cocking her head sideways) But that would make a lovely study of the human form, wouldn't it?
(Willa Woolford, eyes big) That things bigger than my size 50's!
(Farah Aisle) But it's still looks like wood!
(Al Paca) hey--that's not fair...what about my sweater! My sweater was perfect, you fiber floosie, get your hands off my judge!
(Organa, snidely) If she goes that wild over mohair, imagine what she'll do with some cotton fleece...
(Willa) Forget the discovery channel, if it had been cashmerino, we'd be on the Spice Channel!
(Al Paca, in tears) I'm just so mad I could spit!
(Susie Sockyarn) Tune in next week when our contestants get their next challenge.
(Organa Cotton) Red-tape isn't a natural fiber! (Willa Woolford) I'd give an ovary for some (bleep)(bleep) (bleep) ing wool! (Intarsia Strand) But school uniforms are so detrimental to the creative process. (Katie Acryllic, giving the camera a sultry look) But little schoolgirls in red can be soooooo sexy!
Next week on TOP SHEEP!