Saturday, January 06, 2007

Before the Storm...

Okay, I go back to work Monday but I'm still in denial so we'll just not talk about that tonight.

What I do want to talk about (besides tonight's episode of Top Sheep, which I've been twiddling about my grey matter like a teenager playing with her hair...) is the @#@#ing @#$%ing son of a !@$#$ing Glitterspun shawl. (You may ask why I didn't just use the swear words, since we all know I'm not squeamish about that sort of thing, but the actual fact of the matter is that, although (and those who have read my fiction know this) I can actually put a string of curse words together that WILL set your hair on fire (My students have actually reported blushing when they've read that part...the sex, not so much. The swear words? Yeah--blushing.) The reason I'm not using these words NOW is that, really, there is nothing I can put in print that will fully project the absolute loathing I feel for this project.

Oh Glitterspun Shawl,
How do I loathe thee?
Let me just fucking count the fucking ways...
I loathe thee to the 19 inch length and the 38 inch depth that I'm supposed to stretch you to,in spite of the fact that everything I've read and a wealth of personal experience insists that blocking acryllic is like giving a toddler pickled beets--it's an interesting personal choice, but it's really not going to do anybody any good.
I loathe thee to the k1p1k1 stitch that is so damn awkward it has me throwing the damned yarn.
I doubly loathe thee to the p3 together cluster on the whoopty-12 needles that forces me to yank on the bottom of the three stitches to get that needle in.
I loathe the for the fact that your yarn is made of mesh and in spite of the fact that whoopty-12s are duller than a tone-deaf, color-blind, lactose-intolerant 45 year old accountant who lives with his mother, your yarn still splits if I look at it crosseyed, and the mesh refuses to nicely twist back like yarn made of real fibers, like, say, rayon.
I really fucking loathe thee for the fact that the rows that aren't pattern stitch are purl, and all that purling is chafing my damned finger because, hello, CUPRO ISN'T A FUCKING YARN!
And the cherry on top of my loathe-thee sundae is that I've bought three different buttons for thee, and because I'm a total lame-o suck-o loser, I've lost all of them in different parts of the house. That's not really your fault, oh pain-in-the-ass-piece-o'-tackyness, but you have so many other bad qualities, I don't really feel bad pinning that one on you.

Whew. So, you can see what I've been working on for the last few days instead of, say, writing the fiction I adore, blogging, or even knitting something I really love, like the baby sweater that still looks, thank Goddess, likes it's a wee bit too big for Arwyn. But she's been eating like a heifer, so who knows how long that will last.

Anyway, on to what you've all been wating for:


(Susie Sockyarn) Now, ladies and gentlemen, when last we left our contestants, they were competing to see who could knit the best seat cover out of electrical tape and pointed dowels. Organa Cotton and Willa Woolford did not finish. Since Organa's fibers give her allergy immunity, she is safe from elimination in this round, but Willa is subject to both moths and rot, so her partially completed product needs to fall into the category of UFO or she will be out. You may recall that every contestant gets one TOAD in their keepsake box, but everyone is aware of the dangers of TOAD proliferation, so the rules stipulate that more than one TOAD is an automatic disqualification. Let us join our judge, Precision Gauge, as he evalutates our contestants' work.

(Gauge) Intarsia, lovely work as always--your Ferarri motif is perfectly proportioned to the seat cover, and your choice of the silver duct tape is inspired.

(Intarsia Strand, gushing) Thanks, Master Gauge, you can critique me any time.

(Organa, sotto voice) Who does she think she is, the Yarn Harlot?

(Willa, also sotto voice) More like the Red-Heart Ho. (Both women snicker.)

(Katie Acryllic) Now I think you two are just awful--you may notice that Intarsia does well because she's always so bright and animated!

(Intarsia, with dignity) Thank you, Katie, and I just love what you've done with your seat covers.

(Katie) Why thank you, Intarsia, I thought that the knit/purl textured hearts on the bottom would give more than just visual interest--they're also very theraputic!

(Gauge) And Katie, your acryllic bias shows here to good effect--all of your stitches are exactly even--is that because you're used to man-made fibers?

(Katie) It sure is, Gauge--if you work with acryllic long enough, you get used to that certain stickiness on wooden needles, and I didn't hardly notice it this time.

(Gauge) Well, you already have anti-microbial immunitiy, so I think your performance in this round has propelled you to the top of the list, however, there is one person who needs to be on the bottom. Christine Cable, what inspired you to do a cable/lace/bobble on a car seat cover? Weren't you aware that this combination would be damned uncomfortable? Just looking at it gives me 500 miles of drivers ass!

(Christine, distraught, but holding on to her dignity.) Well, like Katie, I was aiming for theraputic, but I underestimated the hard texture of the duct-tape.

(Precision Gauge) Yes, Christine--it was like sitting on a box of my kids' magnatic toys--although the combination itself is very attractive set in the crisp hand of the tape, this is certainly not one of our better entries. However, I'd have to say that the worst performance of the night goes to Al Paca. Al--what were you thinking--seat covers usually go on the seat.

(Al Paca, covered in duct tape with his knitting dowels strapped points down facing tender bits of his body.) Master Gauge, I'm used to the stickiness of al paca fiber, but I've got to tell you, this fiber medium has me stuck.

(Gauge) I can see that, Al, and I've got to tell you, you're falling fast in the standings. Do you have anything to say that can recover you from this debacle?

(Al Paca) Please, just give me a chance, Gauge. No one ever said Al Paca wasn't resilient--let me play to my strengths, and I can show you what I can do.

(Susie Sockyarn) While the judges deliberate on who will be eliminated this round, we'll reveal our next challenge.

Ladies and gentleman--you all know that sometimes an intricate project needs to be done on the fly--and that's where this next challenge plays to. We all tend to knit larger projects in chunkier yarn, but for this challenge, we're going to go against that nap and knit a sized xxl sweater out of...(dramatic pause that Susie milks for every bit of lanolin she can get) lace-weight al-paca/mohair blend.

(Al Paca, in horror) You can't do that al paca fur!

(Christine Cable, in tears.) But how is texture going to show in that?

(Katie Acryllic, in awe.) Wow--all natural fibers. My fiber inexperience is really going to show.

(Susie Sockyarn) tune in next week to see who is a Knitter with a capital K, on the next episode of TOP SHEEP

(Closing teaser montage) Willa Woolford: OH My goddess...I've had a Gauge Accident...Knitter Down, I repeat, Knitter Down! (Al Paca, massaging cramped hands.) This isn't what I signed on for. I'm so mad I could spit! (Katie Acryllic, in tears.) You can't make me go back to Perfect Match. I won't do it, not if I have to hock my kids for real yarn!

And don't forget--I'm always looking for more challenges--although Coach Susan has given me some doosies! (Although, I do believe that Debbie New already knit socks out of green licorice whips--do I have that designer right anybody?) I also can't decide who to eliminate...or if I shouldn't just let all my players play until I'm bored and axe them all...I'll take any suggestions for the next installment of TOP SHEEP!


Rae said...

Had a looooong hiatus from the blogosphere.

Did you know that if you google 'Glitterspun shawl' your post is the second link that pops up. :)

LOVE Top Sheep. My creativity stops at deciding what to have for dinner, so I can't offer suggestions for what's next, but I LOVE it. ;)

Glad to be back -- and glad to hear the fam is still alive and kicking.

Roxie said...

Love it! Laughing out loud! Your characters are already becoming clearly defined. You ARE writing fiction!

Hmm, I was going to suggest that the other players vote on who leaves the contest, but Al Pacca, my favorite, is probably likely to be the most annoying to the other contestants, so cancel that. How aabout just awarding points and giving a thousand dollar yarn-store gift certificate to the winner.

Master knitters need to know about the history of knitting. And they need to be familiar with the current books and magazines. Maybe your competitors could offer reviews of their favorite knitting literature.

Julie said...

You will be pleased to know that I clicked on your site, the first words my eye caught were "Oh, glitterspun, how I loathe thee" and I snarfed tea out my nose.

One point for you. I shall plot on how to make YOU snarf in the future.

Sorry it really sucks...maybe if you get it done early, you can join us on the knitalong? 'cause it appears to be taking all of us longer than I expected. Heehee.

NeedleTart said...

NO, I believe it was edible undies that were knit out of licorice (wouldn't you know The Husband can't have sugar).