Thursday, February 01, 2007

Unlikely Prophets...

Isn't that cute? Needletart thinks I'm going to start a new religion... Can you imagine what a disaster that would be? I mean, if I were the next grand pubah representing the Queen of the Universe, the chaos would be unbef*&^ing believable... how, you say? Let us see...

If I was Grand Pubette of the Queen of the Universe all houses would come equipped with the following things:

**Dishwashers (because some of us aren't lucky, that's why).

**Conveyor belts from the bedrooms to the washing machines (No one's thought of this?)

**Self cleaning floors (again--if women had ruled the world, we would have figured this out a long time ago.)

**Built in winder and swift (but of course!)

**Laptops in the bathroom (and a phone and a mini-bar.)

**Cages from the ceilings (the better to hold cave trolls so you can vacuum under them.)

**Giant shelves for yarn and books (did you doubt it).

**Self cleaning cat boxes.

**Mandatory cats (to worship, of course)

**Ceiling hooks for jackets (because the hall closet's just getting filled with crap, we all know that...)

**DVD filing system (that works. One that works would be nice.)

**One of those house expansion systems perfected by Disney and Warner Brothers--the kind where you press a button and grow a second story.

But home improvement would not be the only place I'd put the stamp of the Queen of the frickin' Universe...I would also require the following things from the world at large:

**Mandatory cattle prod certification for all classroom teachers--and permission to use the tools of the trade.

**A jail sentence for any student who confuses the words 'dumb bitch' with the profession 'teacher'.

**Women in product development for ALL THINGS USED BY HUMANS. (Think about it..the clothes we put on our babies compared to the clothes our parents put on us...the difference between snapped-crotch cotton T-shirts and poplin blouses that button in the back comes down to one thing...WOMEN IN PRODUCT DEVELOPMENT...I'm telling you, it would solve 3/4 of the world's problems.)

**A mandatory sentence of being stripped naked and shaved on live television while the world laughs at the size and/or color of your privates if you are a politician of any stripe who gets caught telling big whoppers to the world at large.

**Add to that the addition of having a layer of skin eaten off your body by live ants if your big fat lies result in the death of ANYBODY.

**Tax breaks for using products that are environmentally sound.

**A parade day for all men who do dishes, laundry, child-rearing, and who don't desert their families (or think of deserting their families) for size 2 twinkies who could suck the enamel off their teeth through their, uhm, toes.

**Automatic retirement bennies if you can prove that your children made it to adulthood without being substantially mentally or physically FUBAR. (Yeah, I know, I'd be eating cat food...don't remind me...)

**Paid days off if you can prove that you know more than the person your boss hired to tell you how to do your job.

**A back to school day forcing all politicians to fill the seats of the poorest high school in their district. If their districts make a crapload of money, they get to go to the poorest school in the poorest district in the state.

**If that doesn't change the world, they have to spend a week teaching in that school--while the teachers whose budgets they cut sit in the back of the room and heckle.

**Yarn would be in the same 'tax-break' category as your mortgage and day care.

**And teaching a young person how to do something useful with their hands and spare time would get you a parade thrown in your honor.

And I've got to stop now, because this is sounding fact, I've got a little powerbuzz going... I'm going to have to go home and do something useful with this... like vacuum.


NeedleTart said...

Sign me up!! Do you have any idea how often I have wandered the halls muttering, "Whip, chair, cattle prod!" I like you political ideas, too! (And LOVE that self-cleaning floor....pant, pant!)

Catie said...

how about the yarn being part of the medical care because it can work as a stress reliever and antidepressant? And cat food for the same reason... On the topic of dishwashers, we recently bought our place and my husband told me that if I got a stove, he got a dishwasher (I make the meals and he cleans the dishes.)

Anonymous said...

:-) needletart can be a fellow acolyte, and catie's husband gets a parade!!! (amy lane, because blogger won't let her comment on her own #$%^ing blog!)

Roxie said...

I have long been an advocate of the "Punk Tag." this is issued jointly by the Fish and Game Department, and the section of the police department in charge of concealed weapons. A Punk Tag costs a thousand dollars, and can only be issued to someone who alredy has a concealed weapons permit. Then, if three other adults in the vicinity agree that some kid is truely a punk, you can shoot him /her. Your bag limit is one every three years. Heck, you could probably adequately fund the school system on the income those tags would generate.

There is a woman in Eugene Oregon who, back in the late fifties, designed and built a self-cleaning house. It's expensive,and not totally comfy,(with few textile surfaces,) but perfect for those with allergies. Why hasn't it been developed and improved? Maybe there's a secret appliance manufacturer's lobby holding it down.